A Cynic's Point Of View
by TwystedFate
Summary: The Moulin Rouge story ... told by a 16 year old cynical girl with too much time on her hands.
1. the beginning, heh

A/N: This is not my story. You should know that. If you thought that this was my story, then you are wrong. And if you are wrong, (which you are, btw) ,then you are wrong and that is that. Anyway, here is my pathetic attempt at channeling the cynicism in my bloodstream. Please R&R!  
  
We see Christian standing in the middle of a white room.  
  
He looks around.  
  
(Christian): Is something supposed to happen?  
  
(TwystedFate): Yes, but where is Toulouse? He is supposed to be singing!  
  
Stagehand enters, dragging a flustered Toulouse in. Takes away the Absinthe bottle.  
  
(Stagehand): You will get this back after you sing the song.  
  
(Toulouse): (huffily) Fine. (sings): There was a boy!  
  
The camera zooms in on Christian and knocks into him. Christian falls over. Christian rubs his head, looking around, wondering.  
  
A very strange, enchanted boy!  
  
We see Christian with stars in his eyes, staring at the wall.  
  
(Christian): What a pretty wall. I wonder if it is single.  
  
They say he wandered very far!  
  
Christian is now standing on a treadmill. The treadmill begins to move quickly. Christian manages to barely keep walking along on it.  
  
VERY far! Over land and sea!  
  
On the treadmill Christian passes by a large cardboard cutout of a tree and a large cardboard cutout of a wave  
  
A little shy!  
  
Christian ducks as a beam gets loose from the ceiling and narrowly misses the treadmill.  
  
And sad of eye!  
  
We see his sleep deprived, baggy eyes.  
  
But very wise was he!  
  
A graduate cap falls from the sky and lands on his head  
  
(Christian): What is this?  
  
And then one day!  
  
Christian keeps walking, getting tired  
  
One magic day, he passed my way!  
  
The treadmill moves about two feet to land in front of Toulouse  
  
While we spoke of many things!  
  
(Christian): Where am I?  
  
Fools and kings!  
  
(Christian): What do I care about fools and kings? I just want to get off of this treadmill!  
  
This he said to meeeeee!  
  
(Christian): The greatest thing you will ever learn! Is not to stay this long on a treadmill in a pantsuit.  
  
(Toulouse): Err. I guess that works. Can I have my absinthe back?  
  
The stagehand gives Toulouse his absinthe back.  
  
(Toulouse): Thank ye.  
  
Toulouse wanders off set and the treadmill of Christian stops. Someone offstage throws him a towel. Christian mops his brow while he talks.  
  
(Christian): The Moulin Rouge. It was a nightclub. Now it is not. But it was! And Harold Zidler owned it. Notice the owned, just to let you know. It was a place where you could go, wearing as little clothing as you liked, and dance. There were lots of women, and only a few men. Does this say something?  
  
Christian pauses to get a bottle of water thrown at him. He drinks some, wraps his towel around his neck and continues to speak  
  
(Christian): The most beautiful of all of these women was the one I digged, dug? Satine. A large cardboard cutout of Satine is placed in front of him. She is wearing her red smoldering temptress dress and a large smile. Christian takes off his towel and drapes it over the shoulders of the cardboard cutout. The cardboard cutout falls over. Christian blushes and keeps going.  
  
(Christian): She was the sparkling diamond. This would be because everyone gave her diamonds, and they sparkled. Thought I do not know why she was called the sparkling diamond if they were not really her diamonds, but that is okay. Anyway, she was the star. But now Satine is dead.  
  
Christian produces some rose petals and drops them on top of the flat cardboard cutout  
  
(Christian): At the time it was 1899. I wanted to go somewhere special for a new years celebration, so I came to Paris, Montmartre.  
  
Christian stands still as a stagehand wheels in a backdrop of Montmartre, and the camera sort of dives into it while Christian talks.  
  
(Christian): I did not know anything about Zidler or Satine. I did not even know of absinthe. We see Christian slowly step off of a train, clutching his typewriter in sweaty hands.  
  
(Christian): There were these people, called the Bohos. Err, the Bohemians. And I wanted to be a part of them, so here I was.  
  
We see Christian in his apartment, sitting in front of his typewriter  
  
(Christian): It was not at all like what my father had called it  
  
(The daddy of Christian): A village of slightly unethical wonderment!  
  
(Christian): But a right peaceful place, filled with out of work bums. And I only had one problem with it, and that was the fact that I did not know what to write about.  
  
(The story Christian): CURSE THIS WRITERS BLOCK!  
  
(Christian): Just then, a stoned man fell through my roof  
  
(story Christian): Bloody hell! There is a stoned man in my room!  
  
(Toulouse): It is okay, he is with me!  
  
(story Christian, who will now be known as Christian): This does SO MUCH good.  
  
(Toulouse): I thought so too. 


	2. I like Moon Pies

A/N: I am bored. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing, except for the fact that because of this I am going to write chapter too. Feel free to flame, fire is fun.  
  
When we last left these..people..they were..standing. But it looked very..good. Let us watch them stand well.  
  
(Christian): Could you perhaps repeat that?  
  
(Toulouse): Err..okay. That seemingly narcoleptic man is with me. We were upstairs. Rehearsing.  
  
(Christian): Rehearsing? Rehearsing WHAT?  
  
(Toulouse): A play. At least, that is what Satie calls it. I call it a load of garbage..but I am not at liberty to say so.  
  
Christian cocks an eyebrow  
  
(Christian): Really?  
  
(Toulouse): Why, yes.  
  
(Christian): (slowly) O..kay.  
  
Three Bohemians appear in the hole in the ceiling  
  
(Satie): This is not good..now that the seemingly narcoleptic man is unconscious, I cannot finish working on the play.  
  
Toulouse looks hopefully at Christian  
  
(Christian): You have got to be kidding me. There is no way I am going to get involved with..say..is that Absinthe?  
  
Toulouse nods.  
  
(Christian): I will do it!  
  
A few seconds later we see Christian seated on a ladder in the room of the Bohos  
  
(Audrey): The hills..  
  
(Satie): Why do they have to be hills? Why cannot this be set in a casino?  
  
(The Doctor): Yes, a casino!  
  
Christian appears confused  
  
(Christian): If this is set in a casino, then please explain why I am wear lederhosen.  
  
(Toulouse): Because it looks good on you.  
  
Christian appears pleased as he looks himself over  
  
(Christian): Really?  
  
Everyone nods.  
  
(Christian): (egotistically): Alright then. So what happens in the casino?  
  
Just as Satie is about to respond, Audrey has a conniption  
  
(Audrey): SPAZ.  
  
Audrey falls over in the doorway.  
  
The doctor shoves her..him..it out and shuts the door.  
  
(Toulouse): Well..now we need a new writer.  
  
Everyone blinks  
  
(Satie): Where are we going to get one of those? They are quite expensive.  
  
Christian hops up and down and waves.  
  
(The doctor): Writers R Us is out..I have already called.  
  
(Toulouse): *Beep*  
  
Christian hops off of the ladder and jumps up and down in front of everyone  
  
(Christian): I can do I! Pick me! Me! Look at me!  
  
(Toulouse): Did you hear something, Satie?  
  
(Satie): No, I do not think I did.  
  
Christian grabs the doctor by the ruff of his shirt  
  
(Christian): I. Will. Write. For. You.  
  
(The doctor): We have a writer!  
  
Everyone cheers  
  
(Toulouse): But wait! Have you received any parental warnings?  
  
(Christian): You think I listen to my father?  
  
(Toulouse): No.  
  
(Christian): There you go.  
  
(Satie): Please sign this permission slip, waver, and of course we expect monthly dues paid..  
  
Toulouse cuts him off  
  
(Toulouse): No we do not..but how will we persuade Zidler to take you instead of Audrey?  
  
Everyone gapes at Christian  
  
(Christian): Zidler? What kind of a name is Zidler?  
  
(The doctor): I asked him that..see this scar?  
  
(Christian) (frightened): Oh..then I will not ask.  
  
(The doctor): Good.  
  
(Toulouse): I have a very random plan that would only work in certain low budget films!  
  
(Everyone): Ooo! Let us hear it!  
  
(Toulouse): We take Christian..  
  
(Christian): How did you get my name? I never told you my name!  
  
(Toulouse): That is not important. Anyway, we take Christian here to the Moulin Rouge and parade him like a dog in front of Satine. She will look at his..Leiderhozen  
  
(Christian): Must I wear the lederhosen?  
  
(Toulouse): Fine. She will look at his cheap suit and he will tell her he wants to read her some poetry and she will say yes, right?  
  
(Christian): Is there no plan B?  
  
(Everyone, in unison): No.  
  
(Christian): Fine, I will do it.  
  
Toulouse hands Christian several folded bills of money  
  
(Toulouse): Good man. We will do it tonight.  
  
A/N: I am tired. I am going to sit here and blink for awhile, but here it is. Just for you. 


	3. I Also Like Taffy

A/N: Allow me to once again point out that this is not my story. As a matter of fact, if this was my story, I would be a millionaire and would not need to post parodies of my own story on the internet for people to read. ::coughs:: But anyway, I was up until two am last night writing parodies for all the song (Roxanne is VERY hard to do) and I am good up through Your Song for sure, so I am going to get a move on.  
  
When we last left everyone they were preparing to head for the Moulin Rouge. Christian has on his cheap suit and was six seconds away from stepping out the door when Toulouse stopped him  
  
(Toulouse): Wait!  
  
Everyone pauses  
  
(The doctor): What?  
  
(Toulouse): We are not drunk yet! You cannot go to the Moulin unless you are drunk!  
  
Everyone nods in reflection  
  
Toulouse hands Christian some Absinthe  
  
(Christian): What is this?  
  
(Toulouse): Only the most marvelous creation spawned by man, Christian, Absinthe  
  
(Christian): Oh.  
  
Everyone drinks the Absinthe and are greeted by the green fairy  
  
(Green Fairy): Hello. I am the green..  
  
(TwystedFate): Moving on! Next scene!  
  
(Green Fairy): Why does everyone always skip this scene or mock me quite badly when they parody this musical?  
  
(Satie): You do not want to know.  
  
(Green Fairy): Oh.  
  
(TwystedFate): So everyone piled onto a double Decker bus and rode to the Moulin Rouge  
  
The Bohos and Christian enter the Moulin to be greeted by a very large song and dance number  
  
(Girls): Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir? We do not know why you would want to sleep with us, we are not exactly pretty, but go for it!  
  
We see Zidler, rouge and all, dancing and singing  
  
(Zidler): Life sucks and is boring! And living is not fun! Neither is death! So you can come here! And be in between! At the Moulin Rouge!  
  
(Girls): Voulez vous coucher avec moi? Ce soir?  
  
(Drunk men): No!  
  
Everyone cheers  
  
The eyes of Christian eyes widen  
  
(Christian): This is.(screamed) great!  
  
(More drunk men): Here we are now! Entertain us! We are stupid! And contagious!  
  
(Zidler): Feeling pretty good? Yet you are misunderstood? Come here! We will be here too! Wheeeeeeee!  
  
(Men): Here we are now! Entertain us! We are drunk! And not at all courageous!  
  
Everyone sings randomly  
  
The song ends  
  
Christian and the Bohos sit at a table  
  
Christian looks around  
  
(Christian): So have any of you talked to this Satine lady?  
  
(Toulouse): Why, yes.  
  
(TwystedFate): And just as Toulouse was about to say something vitally important, another song stood in their way  
  
Satine comes down from the sky on a swing, looking seductive  
  
(Satine): The Japanese are glad to die for love  
  
Because they have big swords  
  
But I prefer a man who wins  
  
And has a blue rocked horde  
  
A kiss on the cheek may be quite shique  
  
But aquamarines are the best friend of a girl!  
  
A kiss may be grand  
  
But it will not pay the fine  
  
On your plasma screen TV  
  
Or those pills you use to ease your mind!  
  
Men grow cold when their girls grow old  
  
And we all grow cold in the end!  
  
But octagon cut or pyramid shape,  
  
These gems do not have a for sure shape!  
  
Aquamarines are the best friend of a girl!  
  
(Toulouse) Before I was so RUDELY interrupted..anyway, I have arranged a private meeting for you and miss Satine after this performance!  
  
(Christian): Alone?  
  
(Zidler, to the random Duke man): Yes random Duke, totally alone  
  
(TwystedFate): And now Satine sings again..::gags::  
  
(Satine): Cause we are living in a money crazed world!  
  
And I do not care!  
  
Light blue!  
  
Dark blue!  
  
Medium blue!  
  
Plain blue!  
  
Talk to me Harry Zidler and tell me something I do not know!  
  
There may come a time when a lass needs a shrink!  
  
But aquamarines are the best friend of a girl!  
  
There may come a time when your kitchen sink  
  
Clogs up real nice *squeak*  
  
But get that plumber or else no dice!  
  
An interlude ensues as Satine talks to Zidler  
  
(Satine): Is that the duke?  
  
(Zidler): Yes.  
  
(Satine): That looks like a low budget writer, not a duke  
  
(Zidler): I am always right.  
  
(Satine): Oh yeah. (sings):  
  
Cause that is when those freaks go back to their geeks diamonds blah blah blah Satine faints..everyone goes "awwwwww"..you know  
  
Satine is now talking to Zidler behind some..cancan girl skirts  
  
(Satine): What is his type?  
  
(Zidler): Got anything crappy and in the color mauve? Perhaps with lights on it?  
  
Satine nods  
  
(Zidler): Then use that.  
  
Satine sneaks out the back way and is suddenly in the elephant, getting dressed  
  
Zidler comes in  
  
Satine is wearing her mauve dress now. It is long and mauve and has Christmas lights duct taped all over it  
  
(Satine): Is this crappy enough for you?  
  
(Zidler): Whee! You have got to be quick, the girls can't stall for much longer!  
  
(Satine): If you will excuse me, I am going to go to the Moulin now  
  
(Zidler): Do you live there?  
  
(Satine): I am not sure. No one has ever told me if I do or not..I suppose I do.  
  
(Zidler): Alrighty..hey..wait..you are in the Moulin now.  
  
(Satine): I am? I thought I was just on the grounds of the Moulin!  
  
(Zidler): Yes, you are.  
  
(Satine): This is very unprofessional of me. How do I make it look professional?  
  
(Zidler): Leave. Then just go into the Moulin and look sexy. The duke will never suspect a thing.  
  
(Satine): Harold, I still am convinced that that is a low budget writer.  
  
(Zidler): Just go.  
  
Satine goes back to the Moulin where Christian is waiting  
  
A/N: I have satisfied my lust for annoying-ness now..I just hafta type up "Your Game of Pong" and then chapter 4 will be up! My apologies to any Japanese who were offended! 


	4. Have I Eaten Them Together?

A/N: Okay my last chapter went insane..er. I had some problems with setting arrangement but I THINK I saved what I fixed (thanks to DjRocky99!) And if I did not save, then just ignore the whole changing clothes thing..my apologies. More insane then I am..if that is possible. I just read it over and thought to myself: "What HAVE I produced?" And then I had a mood swing, ate six pieces of pizza, did the cha cha slide around my living room, and then sat back down at my computer. I had typed "A/N:"..and then I fell asleep atop my keyboard. So now I am going to try this again.  
  
When we last left Christian, the Bohos, Zidler and Satine..they were performing verbs. Why? You ask? Well, because they could. Performing verbs is fun. There are many verbs you can perform. There is "breathe". There is also "exist". Sometimes you can perform both "breathe" and "exist" at the same time, but be careful. Over stimulating yourself may just lead to physical harm. Anyway, on to the story!  
  
(Satine): I believe you were expecting me! These lights are hot!  
  
Christian appears absolutely in awe  
  
(Christian): Err..yes I was.  
  
(Satine): Let us dance!  
  
(Christian): Actually, I would prefer it if I could just sit here and look cute..  
  
(Satine): No.  
  
Satine grabs the arm of Christian and pulls him upright, dragging him onto the dance floor  
  
(Christian): I have never danced like this oh my  
  
Satine leads Christian into a very complex dance move  
  
(Satine): I am glad to see someone has taken interest in our little..mistake  
  
Christian grins  
  
(Christian): Oh yes, I have been looking for an opportunity like this for all of my life, I will be very glad to be involved.  
  
(Satine): Really?  
  
(Christian): Why, yes..of course I am assuming you will like it.  
  
Satine grins devilishly  
  
(Satine): I am sure I will..ow!  
  
(Christian): What is wrong?  
  
(Satine): This string of Christmas lights..it is burning me.  
  
Christian steps away as Satine rips them off her dress and tosses them into the crowd.  
  
They land on the head of an old man  
  
(Old woman): Hubert! You have got Christmas lights on your head!  
  
(Hubert): Reba, no matter what you say, I refuse to get in bed with you, give up  
  
Satine grabs Christian again  
  
(Christian): Toulouse said it should be done in private.  
  
(Satine): He..did?  
  
(Christian): Yes. I will do it anywhere, I did it in a garden fountain at midnight once, in front of some people who threw rose petals at me when I was through, very romantic, but Toulouse suggested somewhere private. So I can read you my poetry.  
  
(Satine): Ohh..POETRY. I do love poetry!  
  
(Christian): So is it a date?  
  
(Satine): Hold onto your hats!  
  
(Christian): What is that supposed to mean?  
  
(TwystedFate): But by that time Satine was on her swing.  
  
(Satine): Diamonds..etc..etc..she faints..everyone goes "awww"..Marie revives her..she gets up and goes to the elephant (yet again) for a "poetry reading"  
  
(Satine): Is this poetic enough for you?  
  
(Christian): Its just a mauve corset and a mauve skirt with burned holes where the Christmas lights used to be. But sure, its poetic.  
  
(Satine): Would you like some champagne? I always find it easier when I am drunk and/or stoned.  
  
(Christian): Not me. I would prefer to just get it over with, if that is alright with you. I have somewhere to be later, and I cannot afford to be late.  
  
(Satine): Oh.  
  
Satine walks over to the bed and sits down on it, massaging her upper thigh.  
  
(Satine): Why, come down here and we will get it "over with", as you say, hmm?  
  
(Christian): I find it too uncomfortable to do it lying down, everything gets in the way. How about if we do it standing right here, by the window. Such a lovely view!  
  
(Satine, who cannot contain her surprise much): Oh!!!  
  
(Christian, hurridly): Oh, you do not have to stand, you can stay right here. But sometimes when I do it it varies in length from..poem to poem, and I would like you to be as comfortable as you can. It may feel a little strange at first, after all I do do a lot of modern techniques, never used before, but if you are open you may find you enjoy it a lot. And I usually give free samples when its over.  
  
(Satine): Free samp..I am sure I will like it! Do not worry about that!  
  
(Christian): The sky is..it has..blue..birds..in the tree..  
  
(Satine): Is that it? When do you get to the good part? (randomly) Oo! Oooo!  
  
(Christian): Why are you grunting?  
  
(Satine): It gets me in the mood.  
  
(Christian): It..does?  
  
(Satine): Oh, yes!  
  
Satine grabs Christian  
  
(Satine): Lets make love here on the bed!  
  
(Christian): Make love? On the bed? When does the poetry come in?  
  
Satine stands next to Christian  
  
(Satine): Maybe you can say it WHILE we make love?  
  
Zidler is looking into the room with a telescope  
  
He sees Satine looking seductively at Christian..er..Mr. Duke  
  
(Zidler): What a nice piece of work..  
  
(Christian): It is a little bit funny!  
  
(Satine): What is?  
  
(Christian): This..feeling..I get inside.  
  
Satine nods slowly and moves back to the bed, flopping down onto it and grunting erotically periodically  
  
(Christian): If I had a job..which I do not..because I am poor..etc..etc  
  
(Satine): Why are you pausing? Do not pause gosh darn it!  
  
Christian reaches into his pocket and pulls out a laptop  
  
(Satine): What is that? This is 1899!  
  
(Christian): Let us play Pong!  
  
(Satine): Ooo! Erotic-ness! Lovel..pong? That game! I can never win it!  
  
(Christian, singing): My gift is a game of pong!  
  
(Winks at Satine)  
  
And this round is for you!  
  
You can tell everybody!  
  
That I let you win Pong!  
  
It may look quite simple but  
  
When all is said and done!  
  
Hope you do not mind  
  
I hope you do not mind  
  
That I sang this so off key!  
  
Just for the love of you burning deep within me!  
  
Sat at the comp!  
  
And I wiped off the dust!  
  
Some of the keys well, they  
  
Had a little crust.  
  
But my comp has been kind  
  
While I played this game!  
  
It is for people like you that  
  
It does not lag up!  
  
So excuse me for griping  
  
But these things I do!  
  
You see I had forgotten  
  
If I was player one or player two!  
  
And another thing is  
  
While I am still ranting  
  
You were the sweetest player two  
  
I have ever seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!  
  
Christian and Satine fly off in a whirlwind of glitter to the Eiffel Tower  
  
(Christian, still singing): And you can tell everybody!  
  
That I let you win Pong!  
  
It may look quite simple but  
  
When all is said and done  
  
Hope you do not mind, I hope you do not mind,  
  
That I sang this so off key!  
  
Just for the love of you burning deep within me!  
  
Love of you burning deep within meeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Christian and Satine are back in the elephant, Satine striking a dramatic pose in the arms of Christian  
  
(Satine): I cannot believe I am in love with a..  
  
A/N: I am bored with typing this for today. I will pick it up tomorrow, sorry to keep you waiting, LMAO. 


	5. No, because I don't have a Moon Pie OR t...

A/N: Alright, this is an attempt that will only go as far as Spectacular! Spectacular! (That's what I like to think though, so if it shows up don't be surprised, I never keep promises to myself, ROFLMAO) I tried playing with Spectacular! Spectacular! And I couldn't really get into it.(Then again when you've already replaced "Roxanne" with "Bedpan" you KNOW you need s'more mental help).but I'll be glad to keep trying. Okay.  
  
(TwystedFate): When we last left our.people.Satine was swooning.  
  
(Satine): *Swoon*!!!  
  
(Christian): What's that? Is that good?  
  
(Satine): Yes, yes it is. Wow. I can't believe that I'm in love with a talented, handsome, hunk o' manliness duke!  
  
(Christian): Hey! I thought you loved ME! Show me this duke so I can kill him.  
  
(Satine): But Toulouse said that you were a duke.  
  
(Christian, looking at his clothes): I am? Me?  
  
Christian begins to cackle, rolling on the floor laughing  
  
(Satine): So you're just another one of Toulouse's drunken friends?  
  
(Christian): Maybe. I'm not drunk.and I don't know if I'm his friend.but if you want me to be one then okay! Anything for you!  
  
(Satine): *Squeak*!!! Oh NO! I think I will kill Toulouse with a large loaf of bread!  
  
(TwystedFate): Luckily, as soon as Satine was taking a large loaf of French bread out of her pocket with which to batter Toulouse, there came an opening of the door.  
  
(Satine): *Squeak*!!! The REAL duke! Hiiiiiiiiiide!  
  
Christian ducks behind a large cardboard cutout of a toaster strudel (don't ask me, I'm tired here, LMAO) and breathes slowly, staring at the Duke through glazed over eyes  
  
(Satine, obviously angry): Harold! This is certainly a surprise!  
  
(Zidler): I know, isn't it great! I'll leave you two now to make love!  
  
(Duke): Make love?  
  
(Satine): Don't you have a name? There has to be a name other than Duke.  
  
(Duke): Well, my mother called me Sugarbottom.  
  
(Satine): ANYTHING else?  
  
(Duke): No.  
  
(Satine): Then I'll stick with.Duke.  
  
(Duke): Okay. A kiss on the cheek may be quite sheique!  
  
(Satine, still sounding sexy): But you'd better back away before I kill you!  
  
The Duke takes a hurried step back  
  
(Duke): I've funded your plays! I've attended your plays! I've put up with you crappy singing voice! (here he coughs) So will you do me a favor?  
  
(Satine): What is it?  
  
(Duke): Will you.sleep with me?  
  
(Satine): Ewwwwwww! No! Not with a man named Sugarbottom!  
  
(All of Paris): Sugarbottom?  
  
(Duke): Shut up. My mommy loved me!  
  
(Satine): Did not!  
  
(Christian, from behind the cardboard pastry): *snicker*  
  
(TwystedFate): You're going to blow her cover!  
  
(Christian): So? This is great! I wish I had a camera!  
  
TwystedFate produces a camera and throws it at the cardboard cutout  
  
(Christian): Whee!  
  
Christian sticks the lens between two layers of flaky pastry and hits 'record'  
  
(TwystedFate): Anyway, now Satine has to cover for Christian, who is filming this all from behind a large cardboard cutout of a toaster strudel  
  
(Satine): I hope you don't mind!  
  
I hope you don't mind!  
  
That I sang this so off key!  
  
Just for the love of you burning deep within me!  
  
(Duke): Wow.that's sheer poetry! I wish I could write poetry like that!  
  
(Satine): Maybe if your name wasn't Sugarbottom.  
  
(TwystedFate): Hahahaha Sugarbottom.hahahahahaha.  
  
(Duke): Leave me alone about it gosh darn it!  
  
(Satine): That song will be in our play!  
  
(Duke): There's a play?  
  
(Satine): Yes! A play! And we call it.Parole! Parole!  
  
(Duke): That sound so strange I may just like it!  
  
(Satine): Yes well.why don't you go to your room.Sugarbottom.(here she makes a small gagging noise) and then we'll go over it tomorrow!  
  
Satine shoves the Duke out the door and turns to the large cardboard cutout of a toaster pastry  
  
(Satine): Do you have any idea.you know.I hate these fainting scenes. Can we just skip to the "getting discovered" part?  
  
(Christian, emerging from behind the cardboard cutout): Okay.  
  
Satine flops down onto the bed and Christian is halfway across the room about to break into a dead run for the bed when.Sugarbottom.comes back.  
  
(Sug.er..Duke): I forgot my hat! What is this? It looks as if you're about to run across the room and jump on top of her to make love! My god! I suppose just rolling around isn't enough? And who is this boy? And why is there a large cardboard cutout of a toaster pastry in the corner? And why is there a camera in it?  
  
(Christian): Because it's Tuesday.  
  
(Duke): Oh. That makes sense.  
  
(Christian): Doesn't it just?  
  
(Duke): Wait.where's Zidler? It seems as if he needs to be here!  
  
(Zidler, right on cue): Sugarbottom! Let's go to my office so you can buy Parole! Parole!  
  
(Satine): *coughs*  
  
(Duke): What's the story about?  
  
(Zidler): Story?  
  
(Duke): Yes the story.  
  
(Zidler): Oh. That. Toulouse, you tell 'em.  
  
Toulouse and all the Bohos come into the room slowly  
  
(Toulouse): It's about.Absinthe!  
  
(Christian): Is not! It's about love! Love overcoming all obstacles!  
  
(Toulouse): Yes! And it's set it Switzerland!  
  
(Christian): Switzerland? Nooooo. It's set in.Los Vegas, Nevada!  
  
(Duke): Vegas?  
  
(Christian): Yes! Vegas! There's a courtesan! The most beautiful burned-to- a-crisp-by-Christmas-lights courtesan in all the world! But she got caught smuggling drugs over the Mexico border line and was in jail! And the jail is invaded by an EVIL (here he stares blatantly at Sugarbottom) parole officer! And the only way to get out of jail is to seduce the EVIL (once again a blatant look at the Duke) parole officer! But, on the night of the seduction, she mistakes a penniless.penniless blackjack dealer for her parole officer! The blackjack dealer wasn't trying to trick her or anything, but he was dressed as a parole officer so HE could smuggle drugs over the Mexican borderline!  
  
(Argentinean): I'll be the penniless blackjack dealer because I can!  
  
(Duke): Alrighty. What happens next?  
  
(Christian): Why, the courtesan and the blackjack dealer must hide their undying love for one another!  
  
(Satie): And the blackjack dealer's.pair of fuzzy dice is magical! It can only speak the truth!  
  
(Toulouse): You're going to make me be the pair of fuzzy dice, aren't you?  
  
Everyone nods  
  
(Duke): And so he gives the game away, eh?  
  
(Satine): Do you want him to?  
  
(Duke): Yes.  
  
(Satine): Then he does.  
  
(Zidler): Tell Sugarbottom about the can-can!  
  
(Christian): No.  
  
(Zidler): Fine, then I will. It's an erotic scene that captures the vile, vice ridden, diseased world Bohemians live in! It will be: Parole! Parole!  
  
A/N: I have typer's crap.err.cramp. Allow me to recuperate (and write out this song) and then I'll add! 


	6. A brief interruption to the normally sch...

A/N: Actually, this whole thing is an A/N. And it is to tell you this..I am very busy this week..and we go back to school Aug. 11th (gasp tear sob) so I may not have time to write the chapter a day you've all come to expect! (It's a church babysitting job..I have a kid named Nicole and she looks suspiciously like a midget Nicole Kidman..but I doubt you care so now I'll shut up) And I know you're thinking "Bloody hell! I can't live without my daily dose of TF cynicism!"..(cries)..But there has to be someone else! (Collapses in a heap on the floor sobbing) Because more than anything I want to please the innocent likkle reader! Here, to please you, are some of those fluffy reviewer dedications to make you 'appy. (if you found my story amusing you'll prolly find this funny..dunno why tho)  
  
To DJRocky99: Thank you for pointing out my little error Sister Cynic..otherwise I never would have noticed it and someone may have put an eye out running around screaming "What the heck is going on!" and quite possibly experience mental problems. And after reading my stories the last thing anyone needs are mental problems (blushes). So once again I thank you.  
  
To Hindi Sad Diamonds: Thank you for your "continued patronage" to my likkle tale. Glad to see you like it..(winks)  
  
To Azlema: Okay so it's not cynicism. But it's hardly..anything. I would call it a 'me', but if I walked up to someone and screamed "Look, I did a me!" They would look at me like I had done something unpleasant in my underpants..so I have no idea what to call it. It's not sarcasm..dunno.  
  
To Pixie Dust Princess: If you're strange then I'm beyond the realm of anything even resembling sanity. So keep being strange, and read!  
  
And last but not least  
  
To Jester Fraser: Glad to see someone actually laugher their arse off, that's my ultimate goal and I love to hear about it when it happens. ;)  
  
Well, that's all my poor little battered-by-Nicole-the-8-year-old body can stand. I'll try to update this weekend at the latest, I promise I won't let it die..But it may need a respirator. 


	7. But if I had a Moon Pie AND some taffy

A/N: Okay so maybe I have space for a bit more adding before school starts, how could you keep away from me anyway? Mwahahaha..  
  
(TwystedFate): When we last left out..people, Zidler was about to launch into a song and dance routine and Chrissy-poo was about to..dance. So were everyone else. So let's watch. And laugh.  
  
(Christian): Chrissy-poo? In all my days..  
  
(TwystedFate): Just as Christian was about to complain to me Zidler came flying in from out of nowhere, knocking him over.  
  
Christian stands and brushes his pants off, sulking  
  
(Zidler, completely ignoring Christian): Like I said, it will be: Parole! Parole!  
  
Look it's a casserole!  
  
I can't describe this satellite dish!  
  
You will be confuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuused!  
  
(Duke): WHAT?  
  
(Zidler): Returns are fixed at 6%!  
  
You'll be confused, and eat a mint!  
  
And on top, of your fee,  
  
You'll be involved must drunkenly!  
  
(Everyone minus Sugarbottom): So enticing the audience will gripe and moan!  
  
So inviting they'll all call for a ride back home!  
  
So enticing the audience will gripe and moan!  
  
So inviting they'll all call for a ride back home!  
  
(Company minus duke speaks randomly): Marmosets! Bohemians! Drug overlords! Schmanemians! Acrobats! Men juggling pears! Exotic pearls! Fire drinkers! Muscular men, contortionists! Eccentric danger within romance! Patio lights and greenery! All done with electricity!  
  
So enticing the audience will gripe and moan!  
  
So inviting they'll all call for a ride back home!  
  
So enticing the audience will gripe and moan!  
  
So inviting they'll all call for a ride back home!  
  
Parole! Parole!  
  
Look it's a casserole!  
  
I can't describe this satellite dish!  
  
You will be confused!  
  
The hills are alive, with the sound of weeping!  
  
So enticing the audience will gripe and moan!  
  
So inviting they'll all call for a ride back home!  
  
So enticing the audience will gripe and moan!  
  
So inviting they'll all call for a ride back home!  
  
(Christian, randomly): The courtesan and blackjack man  
  
Are torn apart by a runaway van!  
  
But in the end she gets his page!  
  
And she uses his signal as a gauge!  
  
(All): Where the hell did that come from?  
  
(Christian): I have no idea.  
  
(Duke): It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside!  
  
(Toulouse): Here, have a gas-x.  
  
(All minus Duke): Toulouse!  
  
(Christian, again randomly): Blackjack dealer's secret trick!  
  
Helps them flee the officer's nightstick!  
  
Though the officer kicks and flails  
  
It is all to no avail!  
  
(Zidler): I am the evil parole officer! You will never get out!  
  
Satine points at the door  
  
Toulouse walks through the door  
  
(Zidler): Whatever.  
  
(All minus Duke): So enticing we'll make you have a stroke and die!  
  
So inviting..  
  
(Duke): And in the end, do we get pie?  
  
The music comes to a screeching halt  
  
(Satine, wiping the sweat off her forehead from the fast paced dance routine): Pie?  
  
(Duke in a reasonable tone): Yes, pie.  
  
Toulouse comes out of nowhere with a pie  
  
He smashes it in the Duke's face  
  
(Duke): It's so hot!  
  
Satie and the Doctor push him outside while he's blinded.  
  
Warner looks into the room, curious  
  
(Satine): Look! It's Daddy Warbucks from Annie! Can I have your autograph?  
  
Warner gives Satine an evil look before putting his arm around the Duke and leading him away  
  
(Duke, screamed into the room): I'll buy Parole! Parole! As soon as I get this baked apple out of my hair!  
  
An awkward silence ensues  
  
Everyone cheers  
  
(Toulouse): The Bohemian revolution is here!  
  
(All): Wheeeeeeeeee!  
  
(TwystedFate): Contented, the Bohos retire home and Christian returns to his garret to attempt to write. Satine sits in the elephant and swoons  
  
(Satine): *swoon*  
  
A/N: Okay. I am going to end. You can see Satine swoon some more on the next chapter I write. ::winks:: 


	8. I Would Eat Them Together

A/N: Okay so one more chapter..what could it hurt? Besides the ozone layer and quite possibly all of modern America..  
  
(TwystedFate): When we last left everyone, they were happy because the Bohemian revolution had come. The revolution, and Tuesday. The "meeting" they had had with the Duke had lasted for six hours, and was over at 12:01 am. Everyone was happy.  
  
(Toulouse): I think I will go sacrifice a cow!  
  
Then Toulouse realized that he was alone in that room of the elephant, everyone else had left. Toulouse shrugs and leaves the elephant  
  
(TwystedFate): Where did everyone go?  
  
(Satine): I'm back here.  
  
(TwystedFate): Oh.  
  
(Satine): ..You have writers block, don't you?  
  
(TwystedFate): What makes you say that?  
  
(Satine): Look at these pathetic attempts at sarcasm!  
  
(TwystedFate): Leave me alone I'm tired I spent all day cleaning paint off of 15 7 year old children.  
  
(Satine): Ooer.  
  
(TwystedFate): Exactly. Can we just get this song and dance routine done?  
  
(Satine): ..There's no dancing in that routine. It's just me singing and looking sexy while draping my body in various poses across the furniture and walls of the elephant.  
  
(TwystedFate): Whatever it is, let's just get it over with.  
  
(Satine): What am I supposed to sing?  
  
(TwystedFate): I don't know! Sing what you sing when you're..lost in the woods!  
  
So she sang the song she always sang when she was lost in the woods..heh:  
  
(Satine): I'm lost in the night  
  
Can't find the light  
  
When will I begin  
  
To find the path again?  
  
One day I'll find my way  
  
Leave these woods to yesterday  
  
What more could the police do for me?  
  
When will my shrink be through with me?  
  
Why live life from tree to tree?  
  
And dread the day  
  
I hit a dead end.  
  
Satine finishes her song and stands atop the elephant, draped dramatically against a post, blushing furiously  
  
(TwystedFate): Great! Let's see what's up with Christian!  
  
We see Christian in his garret, sitting in front of his typewriter  
  
(Christian): I'm thirsty. I'll just get some gin..  
  
Christian gets up and goes to a little mini refreigerator in the corner  
  
(Christian): What? No gin?  
  
Christian looks out across the town  
  
(Christian, desperate): Maybe Satine has some gin!  
  
(TwystedFate): So Christian climbed up the butt of the elephant and stood behind Satine  
  
(Christian): *cough*  
  
(Satine): *squeak!* Oh, Christian. Look, I don't love you. I can't love you. I'm a courtesan.  
  
Christian looks confused  
  
(Christian): Err..do you have any gin?  
  
(Satine): Oh. No..I don't love gin.  
  
(Christian): A life without gin! But that, that's awful!  
  
(Satine): No, a life without air, that's awful!  
  
(Christian): No! Gin is like love!  
  
(Satine): And you know this because?  
  
(Christian): Easy! They both are easy to come by and can be faked, as well as are coveted by poor ugly vagrants!  
  
(Satine): Err..  
  
(Christian): Gin is a many coveted thing! Gin lifts us up where we belong, and so do cigarettes! All you need is gin!  
  
(Satine): But I've got to have something to eat with it!  
  
(Christian): All you need it gin!  
  
(Satine): Hey, I could eat meat with it!  
  
(Christian): All you need is gin!  
  
(Satine): Gin is just a game!  
  
(Christian): What?  
  
(Satine): Never mind. Keep going.  
  
(Christian): I was make for drinkin' with you baby! You were made for drinkin' with me!  
  
(Satine): The only way of drinkin' with me is to pay! I'm flat broke! All the guys aren't horn..  
  
(TwystedFate): This is PG! Watch it!  
  
(Satine, blushing): Oh. Right.  
  
(Christian): Just one year! Give me just one year!  
  
(Satine): Are you crazy?  
  
(Christian): Yes! And in the name of gin? One year in the name of gin?  
  
(Satine): You crazy fool! I'm getting a restraining order!  
  
(Christian): Don't leave me this way! I can't survive without your sweet love and gin, oh baby, don't leave me this way!  
  
(Satine): You'd think the world would have had enough of silly drinking songs!  
  
(Christian): You'd be right!  
  
(Satine): Really?  
  
(Christian): Gin lifts us up where we belong! Where the drunken fly! In an asylum high!  
  
(Satine): Why are you on the roof?  
  
(Christian, paying her no regard): We can be heroes!  
  
A strong gust of wind blows  
  
Christian falls off of the roof and gets stuck on an outstreached branch  
  
Satine pulls him into the elephant  
  
(Satine): Will you stop acting like a freak now and just kiss me? I think I love you!  
  
(Christian): Can I have that gin?  
  
(Satine): Yes.  
  
(Christian): Okay!  
  
Satine and Christian kiss, fireworks go off, some guy sings in French ( I think ) etc. etc. etc.  
  
(Toulouse): *hic* This is your Ponggggggggggg..  
  
(Satine): SHUT UP TOULOUSE!  
  
Toulouse scrambles off the roof and runs away  
  
A/N: This is good enuff for today; I've got to go have a seizure. Later! ;) 


	9. And Be Blissfully Blissfully Happy

A/N: I shall now venture forth into chapter nine-hood. If I'm not out in two hours, please tug on the rope line and hoist me out of the hole so that I might have a convulsion. Thank you! ;) (listens to 'Do the Moo Shoo' veggie tales style and prepares to write)  
  
(TwystedFate): When we last left these..people, Satine and Christian had fallen in love, Toulouse was just about to sacrifice a cow, the Bohos were drinking Absinthe, and Sugarbottom and Zidler were just about to trade the storyline.  
  
(Duke): Do you want me to convert the Moulin into a theater?  
  
(Zidler): Yes.  
  
(Duke): Then give me the Moulin.  
  
(Zidler): No.  
  
(Duke): You're a naïve freak.  
  
(Zidler): Yes.  
  
(Duke): Can you say anything besides 'yes' and 'no'?  
  
(Zidler): No.  
  
(Duke): Well anyway the deeds to the Moulin are mine, right?  
  
(Zidler): Yes.  
  
(Duke): And so is Satine.  
  
(Zidler): No.  
  
(Duke): Yes.  
  
(Zidler): No.  
  
TWO HOURS LATER  
  
(Zidler): No.  
  
(Duke, sweating bullets): Fine! Fine, but the Moulin is mine! All mine! Do you hear!  
  
(Zidler): Yes.  
  
Zidler signs the deeds  
  
(Duke): Mwhahahaha! The Moulin Rouge is mine!  
  
Lighting and thunder roll and flash in the open window behind the Duke, as a gust of wind blows the Duke out of the window  
  
(Zidler, breaking his vocal barriers): Sugarbottom!  
  
The cry of 'sugarbottom' echoes throughout the city  
  
(Old woman feeding her baby): Sugarbottom?  
  
(Old man with a cane walking down the street): Sugarbottom?  
  
(Christian, guzzling gin in his flat): Sug *hic* arbottom!  
  
(Satine, skipping across the screen, dancing and singing): Sugarbottom Sugarbottom he's flown out the window! Sugarbottom Sugarbottom how low can he go?  
  
(TwystedFate): This is not in the script! This song is not supposed to exist! Why is the entire city of Paris singing and dancing OOF  
  
A dancing man knocks TwystedFate off her feet  
  
TwystedFate stands up and blinks  
  
We see about a hundred men in tuxes dancing around the base of the Eiffel Tower, screaming  
  
(100 men of Paris): Sugarbottom is in the breeze! Just like a man on a trapeze!  
  
(TwystedFate): Bloody hell! Stop the music!  
  
The music comes to a screeching halt  
  
(TwystedFate): Cue the Moulin!  
  
We see the stars of the movie standing around a buffet table, eating  
  
(Nicole): Pass me that doughnut, Ew.  
  
(Ewan): *slap* Don't call me Ew!  
  
(Nicole): Ew!  
  
(Jim): I want that coffee! Pass it!  
  
(John): Get your own! It's mine!  
  
(TwystedFate): In character! Get in the Moulin Rouge and be in CHARACTER!  
  
Everyone moans and shuffles onset  
  
(Joh..err..Zidler): Into a theater!  
  
(Satine): Did I miss something? What about a theater?  
  
(Christian): Woot!  
  
(Satine): Woot?  
  
A wrecking ball plows through the wall and hits Zidler, sending him flying across the room and landing in Nini's lap  
  
Nini throws him off, clearly disgusted  
  
(Zidler): The show must go ooooooooooon!  
  
(Satine): Why do you always say that?  
  
Zidler shrugs  
  
(TwystedFate): So now that the Moulin was becoming a theater, Christian had a script to write  
  
We see Christian standing on a balcony in Toulouse's studio  
  
(Christian): Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love!  
  
Christian mock hops off the balcony..and misses  
  
(Satine, screaming): Christian!  
  
The camera zooms in on 100 women dancing around the base of the Eiffel Tower  
  
(100 women of Paris): Christian! Christian! It's a religious name! Christian! Christian! My singing is a pain!  
  
(TwystedFate): Why are you dancing every time anyone says anyone else's name? STOP.  
  
The dances stop and walk of sheepishly  
  
(TwystedFate, clearing her throat): Satine and Christian liked to make out. They did it a lot. But it is hard to make out in front of a man with an ungodly moustache. So they had to make up excuses about making out whenever he came near  
  
We see Satine and Christian making out  
  
The duke opens the door  
  
They break apart, blushing  
  
(Duke): A picnic, pale lady?  
  
(Satine): Oh but Duke, we have such work to do! We must make out to practice!  
  
(Duke): But Christian's not in the show! Why make out with him? Why not me?  
  
(Satine): Oh, he's the closest one to my height.  
  
(Duke, reasonably): Oh. She's got a point.  
  
The Duke shrugs and leaves  
  
(TwystedFate): This went on for several days. The Duke was stupid enough to believe that Satine needed lessons on making out every day from seven a.m. to five a.m. The construction has gotten more progressive and we see the dancers rehearsing for one of the ending numbers  
  
(Zidler): Brilliant!  
  
(Dancer): Stop looking at my boobs!  
  
(Zidler, backing away): Sorry. Anyway, tomorrow we will work on Act Two! The lovers are discovered!  
  
(Duke): Zidler!  
  
(Zidler): Sugarbottom!  
  
(Duke): I've made a supper in the Gothic Tower. I want Satine there. I'd tell her, but she's up there in plain view making out with the writer and laughing louder than anything else here.  
  
(Zidler, surprised at how stupid the Duke is): O..kay.  
  
(Duke): If she's not here tonight I'm bloody leaving.  
  
(Zidler): No! She'll be there!  
  
(Duke): At eight o'clock.  
  
(Zidler): Cool.  
  
The Duke stalks off and we see Satine and Christian making out  
  
(Satine, giggling): Woot!  
  
(Christian, lipstick all over his head and shirt): Eight o' clock? Tonight?  
  
(Satine): Yes! I'm drunk! Woot!  
  
Christian nods and leaves  
  
Satine stumbles down the hall, cackling  
  
Zidler interrupts her  
  
(Zidler): The Duke wants you for dinner with him at eight o' clock  
  
(Satine): But I must work with Christian then!  
  
(Zidler): Nuh-uh. You have to stop making out in plain view of the Duke and cackling! It's obvious! Not that you'd ever listen to me!  
  
(Satine): Of course not!  
  
And Satine walks off  
  
(TwystedFate): Will Satine tell Christian to stop laughing so hard when they're making out? Will Satine stop wearing so much lipstick? Will I ever learn to dance? Find out in chapter ten!  
  
A/N: I am satisfied for today. G'day! Review pease! 


	10. Until the End of Time Or At Least Until ...

A/N: School starts Monday. Life hates me. It can go on hating me as I write chapter..what is this? Ten? Well I don't know WHAT it is. But at the moment I say it's chapter ten. If its not actually chapter ten well then..ner.  
  
(TwystedFate): When we last left everyone, Satine and Christian had *amazingly* been found out for some *strange* reason. And Zidler was sad about it. Poor Zidler.  
  
(Satine): Poor Zidler? What happened to 'poor Satine'?  
  
(TwystedFate): We shouldn't be feeling sorry for you yet. We have to wait for that to happen. Then there will be crying people as far as the eye can see.  
  
Satine's eyes glaze over  
  
(Satine, dreamily): Really?  
  
TwystedFate nudges Satine. She falls backwards and then bobs back upwards again  
  
(TwystedFate): Yes, really. Now snap out of it. You're supposed to sing a small song and get on with the important stuff.  
  
Satine nods, brushing at her dress  
  
TwystedFate ducks off camera  
  
Satine begins to walk down the street, singing softly to herself  
  
(Satine): It I should die this very moment  
  
I'd be quite angry  
  
Because I've never been dead  
  
Like I would be then  
  
Wrapped in the cold of death  
  
Hating every second of it.  
  
Aw screw it, I'll go with what I know.  
  
Why live life, from tree to tree,  
  
And dread the day  
  
I hit a dead end.  
  
We see Satine "faint" and land on the ground, sighing dramatically  
  
TwystedFate smirks as the camera swerves in on her  
  
She shakes her head, blonde wispy hair flying in circles, and looks at the camera  
  
(TwystedFate): I believe Christian has something to say.  
  
(Christian): I bloody well do! Get that camera over here hello camera!  
  
Christian clears his throat and speaks  
  
(Christian): I could have guessed  
  
That in those last days of hers  
  
That a force darker than deep water  
  
And stronger than a spider web  
  
Had begun to roll Satine up.  
  
The camera moves in on the Duke's fortress thingy-ma-bob-er  
  
(Zidler): Where'd she go? I yelled loudly at her and probably woke up the entire city of Paris! She has to be here!  
  
We go back to Satine. She's in a bed with a doctor and Marie and Chocolat  
  
(Marie): Will she be up and about by tonight? We need her for sex.  
  
The doctor gives Marie a shot  
  
Everyone winces  
  
Satine bleeds profusely  
  
No one notices  
  
(Doctor): Hell no.  
  
Everyone gapes  
  
(TwystedFate): Back at the Duke's fortress..  
  
(Stage Manager Man): Sugarbottom is going to leave!  
  
(Zidler): No!  
  
Zidler wheels to face the Duke's wheeling back  
  
(Zidler): She's in Antarctica!  
  
The Duke turns, confused  
  
(Duke): Antarctica? What kind of an imbicile do you take me for? Don't answer that.  
  
(Zidler): She wanted to get out of the heat of Paris! She looked upon tonight as the AC night.  
  
(Duke): AC night?  
  
(Zidler): She's like an Eskimo! She says you make her feel like a..penguin.  
  
(Duke): A..penguin?  
  
(Zidler): You know! Hot, for the very first time?  
  
(Duke): Hot penguin..  
  
(Zidler): She says she feels so good outside when you turn on the AC, and you stroke her!  
  
(Duke): I've never stroked..  
  
Zidler cuts him off  
  
(Zidler): They made it through the Arctic somehow! They made it through! They didn't know how un-lost they were, until there was you! She was hot, dehydrated! She'd been burned, she was sad and bleeding! But you made her feel! Yes, you made her feel, cold, and pleased! Ohhhh..  
  
(TwystedFate): Here we sing and dance  
  
(Zidler, singing): Like a penguin!  
  
Hot for the very first time!  
  
Like a peeeeeenguin!  
  
Your hearts beat  
  
Best in cold!  
  
Gonna give her all your ice!  
  
Her heat is fading fast!  
  
She's been saving it all for you!  
  
Only cold can last!  
  
She's so cold!  
  
And she's bold!  
  
She'll be yours!  
  
At least until winter!  
  
Because you made her feel  
  
Yes you maaaaaaaade her feel  
  
She has nothing to heaaaaaaaat!  
  
Like a penguin!  
  
Hot for the very first time!  
  
Like a peeeeeenguin!  
  
Your hearts beat  
  
Best in cold!  
  
Like a penguin!  
  
Feel so warm inside!  
  
When you turn on the AC!  
  
And you stroke her!  
  
(Duke): I. Have. Never. Stroked. Her.  
  
(Zidler): Sing, Sugarbottom! Let it all out!  
  
(Duke): She's so cold!  
  
She's not old!  
  
Yes, yes she makes me hot!  
  
Her love burned up!  
  
Yes, her looooove burned up  
  
What was hot and moldy!  
  
(Zidler): Nice!  
  
(Singing): Like a penguin!  
  
Feel so good inside!  
  
When you turn on the AC!  
  
And you stroke her!  
  
The Duke pulls out a club and advances on Zidler  
  
Zidler pulls out a penguin puppet and runs for his life  
  
(Zidler, terrified): Like a penguin!  
  
Hot for the very first..  
  
The Duke clubs him.  
  
Zidler goes down.  
  
(Duke, to Warner): Let's go get some wine, Daddy Warbucks..err..Warner.  
  
Warner nods and the two step over Zidler's body, walking to the door  
  
We see Christian again, standing in his garret with a coffee mug labeled 'poor depressed old me'. He sees the camera, clears his throat, puts down his mug, and speaks.  
  
(Christian): Harry Zidler's brilliant..ooer..brilliant..ly colored..pants. Yes. Harry Zidler's brilliantly colored pants had once again averted the end of the world. But no pair of pants, however brilliant, could save Satine.  
  
We see the doctor, Marie and Chocolat again  
  
Zidler comes running in, sweaty  
  
(Marie): Harry?  
  
(Zidler): I had to sing 'like a penguin' again..sorry about that.  
  
(Chocolat): That's the third time this week!  
  
Zidler shrugs and looks at the doctor  
  
(Zidler): Well?  
  
(Doctor): Satine is dying. She has consumption.  
  
(Zidler): I consume things every day! Am I dying too? Good lord, we ALL consume things every day! Oh no we're all dying!  
  
Zidler cries  
  
The doctor pulls him up  
  
(Doctor): No, she has CONSUMPTION. Tuberculosis.  
  
(Zidler): Oh. So my little crabapple is dying?  
  
Marie looks shocked  
  
(Zidler): She can't know. The show must go on.  
  
(TwystedFate): Why must you always say that?  
  
Zidler shrugs  
  
(TwystedFate): Nic..err..Satine! Christian! Are you ready for the next scene!  
  
(Satine): No! Let's do it in the morning! Besides, you're not ready for Come What May, are you?  
  
(TwystedFate, admittedly): No.  
  
Christian comes out and rests a hand on TwystedFate's shoulder  
  
(Christian): Let's do it in the morning then. You need your rest.  
  
Satine grabs Christian's hand off of TwystedFate and gently pulls him away  
  
(Satine): I thought we talked about this. You are MY boyfriend. You cannot fondle the author.  
  
TwystedFate blushes as the couple disappears offset  
  
(TwystedFate): Well then I guess that's all for today, folks!  
  
The lights go out  
  
A/N: My fingers hurt, and my entire back is sunburned and doesn't like sitting up this long. I'm going to go cry in a corner, ROFL. Hope this suits you, that's a hard song to parody.. ( 


	11. Whichever Comes First

(TwystedFate): The characters have been complaining to me about the fact that the other parodies were 10 chapters long and only up to Elephant Love Medley. They wanted to..  
  
Suddenly Christian bursts into the room, waving his arms  
  
(Christian): Stop making progress! It's too long! Too much progress! Stop! Don't you ever get writer's block?  
  
(TwystedFate): Err..not a lot. Not lately, at least.  
  
(Christian): Oh.  
  
Satine walks in, wobbling on her feet  
  
(Satine): I'm tired. Fainting on cue so many times a day can make you tired.  
  
Christian grins at Satine  
  
(Christian): Could you faint on cue into my arms?  
  
Satine drops dramatically into Christian's arms  
  
Christian smiles evilly  
  
Everyone laughs slowly  
  
(TwystedFate): Ooer..anyway. Because of the progress (or lack thereof) I have been asked to go slowly and pretend that I have a social life.  
  
(Satine): A social life? You? Hahaha..  
  
TwystedFate glares and adjusts her glasses  
  
(TwystedFate): Yes. Yes, a social life. Something I don't have, but Christian would like me to pretend I have.  
  
(Zidler): I come bearing gin!  
  
(All): Gin!  
  
Christian tackles Zidler and begins to sock him  
  
(Christian): Gin. Gin. Gin.  
  
Satine gapes and produces a bottle of gin  
  
(Satine): Christian! Look! Gin!  
  
(Christian): Gin!  
  
(Satine): Do you want it?  
  
Christian nods  
  
(Satine): Then go get it!  
  
Satine throws the gin out the window  
  
Christian jumps after it  
  
(Duke): Satine! I've caught you alone!  
  
The duke has one arm around Satine when Christian climbs into the window, the gin bottle in his teeth  
  
(Christian): I Cabt Da Gyn  
  
(Satine): What?  
  
Satine takes the gin out of his mouth and helps him into the room  
  
(Christian): I said, I caught the gin  
  
(Duke): Can't you leave us alone for five minutes, Christian? This isn't even staged and you're hounding her!  
  
(Christian): She hates you! You're ugly! Go shave, you freak!  
  
The duke opens and shuts his mouth and leaves the room  
  
Everyone stares  
  
TwystedFate falls onto the floor laughing  
  
(TwystedFate): This is great! Hahaha!  
  
(Satine): Glad someone's amused.  
  
(TwystedFate): What is that supposed to mean?  
  
Satine glares at TwystedFate  
  
TwystedFate glares at Satine  
  
(Christian): Ladies, ladies, can't we all just get along  
  
(Satine and TwystedFate in unison): No!  
  
Christian backs away  
  
(Christian): Alright..no messing with PMS.  
  
(Satine): And I am NOT PMSING!  
  
(TwystedFate): Neither am I!  
  
Christian walks to the bed and sits down  
  
(Christian): Twyst, come here..away from her..and sit..away from her. FAR away from her. Please. Before you kill each other.  
  
TwystedFate sits next to Christian and stares at Satine  
  
Satine glowers and flounces across the room  
  
(Satine): Stupid left handed blonde with glasses and braces.  
  
(TwystedFate): Well you're a..pretty left handed redhead with no flaws..darn it.  
  
Satine laughs  
  
(Satine): See? You have no leg to stand on.  
  
TwystedFate growls and stands to maul Satine  
  
Christian grapples for her arm and holds her back  
  
TwystedFate strains against him to no avail  
  
Satine walks into the corner  
  
(Satine): Bring it on! Try it! I dare you! Ooer!  
  
Everyone wheels to see the Duke standing in the doorway, without his moustache  
  
(TwystedFate, amazed): You actually shaved?  
  
(Duke): Yes. Isn't it good?  
  
(Christian, to TwystedFate's ear): Goddamn without that moustache he's almost manly.  
  
TwystedFate chuckles dryly  
  
(Satine): Maybe we should get back to the story..  
  
(TwystedFate): But I thought you wanted me to stall!  
  
(Satine): You've stalled. Let's get this show on the road people. Get Sugarbottom a fake moustache and let's get going!  
  
(Duke): But I feel like a free man without it!  
  
(Satine): Too bad.  
  
Satine slaps a fake moustache onto Duke's face  
  
Duke faints  
  
(TwystedFate): Err..okay then. I'll go write Come What May parody style and then we'll go for chapter twelve.  
  
A/N: I feel accomplished. End. :) 


	12. I Have No Idea Which That Will Be Howeve...

A/N: Sorry I haven't been around lately! I have yet to see how you're surviving without me.. *unplugs the story's respirator* It'll be okay now. I have an infected tooth and I've spent all my days lately crying in bed.. School's been taking up all my time lately too but I still haven't forgotten this ickle gem here. Here goes nothing..  
  
(TwystedFate): When we last left our .. err .. well they're not heroes. When we last left these assorted .. people and .. stuff, they were just told that Satine was dying. Not Satine herself of course, just Zidler and Marie and that doctor with all that hair sticking out of strange places. So basically, everyone thinks Satine was somewhere where she was not. This would mean A) Satine has an evil twin or B) Someone's lying.  
  
(Satine): Wasn't me.  
  
(TwystedFate): How do I KNOW that?  
  
(Satine): Shut up.  
  
(TwystedFate): With PLEASURE. *calmly* Anyway, here's Christian!  
  
(Christian): I thought you were letting this one die. I was just about to go on vacation to the Bahamas and you go and..  
  
(TwystedFate): Nope.  
  
(Christian): Dahm.  
  
(TwystedFate): Get on set.  
  
*dramatic pause*  
  
(TwystedFate): Alright then. Cue what's SUPPOSED to happen..  
  
Satine sits on the bed coughing, Christian stares at her.  
  
Sighing, Satine stands up and begins to bash her head on the wall  
  
Christian walks up to her, concerned  
  
While he's not looking, Satine picks his pocket and stares at his empty wallet  
  
(Satine): Christian! You're broke! How can we fly away?  
  
(Christian): Penniless existance, remember?  
  
(Satine): You idiot.  
  
(Christian): Say, where were you last night?  
  
(Satine): Siyk.  
  
(Christian): WHAT?  
  
(Satine): I told you, I was siyk.  
  
(Christian): I don't believe you!  
  
(Satine): YOU HAVE TO!  
  
(Christian): NEVER!  
  
(Satine): I have to go outside to .. get the bills!  
  
(Christian): NOT THE BILLS!  
  
(Satine): YES!  
  
Christian clamps a hand on her shoulder  
  
(Christian): WAIT!  
  
(Satine): Yes?  
  
(Christian): I love you!  
  
(Satine): Who cares about your feelings? I want to fly away from here!  
  
(Christian): I don't believe you were sick!  
  
(Satine): That does it! I'm going to go get adopted by a kindly rich man! And when I get paid by that Bob guy for last year's..services, I'll have enough to go into hiding forever!  
  
(Christian): NO! I'll write a song! And we'll put it in the show! And whenever you hear it you'll think 'hey that Christian bastard wrote that!'  
  
(Satine): No.  
  
(Christian): Never knew it could feel like this!  
  
Like he'd never seen a bed before!  
  
Satine stares at Christian  
  
(Christian): Yet he vanished inside your kiss!  
  
Every day he regrets it more and more!  
  
Listen to his heart!  
  
Can you hear it moan?  
  
He wants to go all the way back home!  
  
Seasons may change  
  
Summer to Autumn!  
  
But he'll pay you  
  
Because you did it for him!  
  
Come Bob's pay!  
  
Come Bob's pay!  
  
He will owe you!  
  
Until his dying day!  
  
(Satine): Okay now you've lost your marbles.  
  
(Christian): SING WITH ME!  
  
(Both): Suddenly the world  
  
Seems so cold and muggy!  
  
Suddenly its slow!  
  
As if it has a .. buggie!  
  
Suddenly my life has no meaning!  
  
Not like it ever did in the first place!  
  
And there's no paycheck too low!  
  
No seed not to sow!  
  
Sing out this song  
  
And remember that he owes you money!  
  
Storm clouds may blow!  
  
And stars may not show!  
  
But you hate Bob!  
  
Until he pays you!  
  
Come Bob's pay!  
  
Come Bob's pay!  
  
He will owe you!  
  
Until his dying day!  
  
Satine faints and the lights go out  
  
(TwystedFate) Until next time I suppose..  
  
A/N: that's all I can manage for now, ROFL. R&R! 


	13. But I Can Guess

A/N: Once again, sorry I haven't updated lately! I just got out of the operation on my tooth and due to the excessive amounts of painkillers they used on me I am considered legally drunk only without the drinking. So here's my best shot!  
  
(TwystedFate): Hello. And welcome back to Dinner and some Linner. Tonight we're watching the fabulous..  
  
(Christian): Lets get this going already!  
  
(TwystedFate): Alright. When we last left these lovely and beautiful *deliberate stare at Christian* people, they had just concluded practicing 'come bob's pay' for the duke in the hopes that he would include it in the show. Nini? How'd you get here? I thought we'd banned..  
  
Nini slaps TwystedFate and hustles over to the Duke  
  
(Nini): This makes no sense! Why would the prostitute choose the damn stupid and ugly writer? Oops, I mean..blackjack dealer?  
  
(Duke): I think you may be trying to tell me something.  
  
(Nini): Who? Me? Nah.  
  
She clacks off, her stilettos echoing on the ground. The singing fades away as everyone looks at Sugarbottom.  
  
(Duke): I don't like this ending.  
  
(Toulouse, waddling down stairs dressed like a pair of giant fuzzy dice): But, what about the ideals it holds up?  
  
(Duke): I don't care about ideals! All I want is money! Money money money! And it has to be MY money! Not YOURS, MINE. And I want it to be so that she accepts the parole officer and I want this song GONE.  
  
(Christian): But I worked so hard on that song..  
  
(Duke): I DON'T GIVE A DAMN!  
  
Everyone stares at the Duke.  
  
(Satine): Why don't we get it on tonight?  
  
(Duke): Okay.  
  
The duke smiles brightly.  
  
Satine wanders backstage.  
  
Christian stands and runs after her.  
  
(Christian): You can't get it on with him! You said you'd never get it on with anyone else except for that Bob man! And that famine of '89 just furthered my point with..  
  
(Satine): Christian, babe, there was no famine in '89.  
  
(Christian, flustered): Of course. But I don't want you to get it on with him tonight.  
  
(Satine): And I still say that you promised.  
  
(Christian): No.  
  
(Satine): Come..Bob's..pay.  
  
(Christian, grudgingly, rolling his eyes): Come Bob's pay.  
  
As soon as Satine leaves, he collapses onto the ground, throwing a tantrum like a two year old.  
  
Later we see Christian seated in a chair in the main room, clearly upset and uncomfortable.  
  
(Nini): What's wrong, Shakespeare?  
  
(Christian): Would you not call me that? And .. I'm upset because I need to use the restroom but all of them are out of order..  
  
The Argentinean comes out of the shadows  
  
(Argentinean): Restrooms? Never fall in love with a particular restroom, it will only end bad! We do this dance in Buenos Aries..  
  
Christian cocks an eyebrow as Nini stares at him, eyes laughing.  
  
(Argentinean): Tells the story of a bedpan and a man who grows accustomed to not sharing.  
  
Nini comes up to him and they begin to dance  
  
(Argentinean): First there is desire. Then passion. Suspicion, anger, betrayal. When restrooms are to the highest bidder, there can be no trust. Without trust, no restrooms. Jealousy, yes, jealousy, will drive you mad!  
  
From out of nowhere a 554 piece orchestra falls from the sky and begins to play as they sing and dance.  
  
(Argentinean): Bedpan!  
  
You don't have to go out that cold night!  
  
Stay out on cold evenings, you don't care if it's cold or if it is not.  
  
Bedpan!  
  
You don't have to go out tonight!  
  
You don't have to sell yourself to the night!  
  
Christian gets into the swing of things and joins in  
  
(Christian): His eyes, upon your rim.  
  
His hand, upon your side.  
  
His lips, caress your base  
  
Its more than I can face!  
  
(Argentinean): Oh!  
  
Christian begins to walk around, looking moody and mysterious in his black trenchcoat.  
  
(Christian): Why does my stomach hurt?  
  
Feelings I can't skirt!  
  
You're free to use it  
  
But just don't abuse it  
  
And please, believe me when I say I did not misuse it!  
  
We see Satine with the duke  
  
(Satine): Let the old ending come back.  
  
(Duke): Okay.  
  
(Christian, walking outside and down the steps): Bedpan!  
  
Why does my stomach hurt?  
  
Feelings I can't skirt!  
  
You're free to use it  
  
But just don't abuse it  
  
And please believe me when I say I did not misuse it!  
  
He stops outside the balcony, staring up at Satine who is being stroked by the Duke  
  
(Satine, singing down to him): Come Bob's pay!  
  
Christian walks back to his garret, confused and dazed  
  
The duke stares at Satine  
  
(Duke): Now I see. Can I .. beat you up?  
  
(Satine): No!  
  
She grabs candelabra off the nearest table and begins to whack the Duke with it, uttering karate-like grunts  
  
(Satine): Yah! Hiyah!  
  
The duke gives her a weird look  
  
(Duke): You scare me.  
  
Satine kicks him in the back of his head with her stilettos  
  
The duke collapses.  
  
We see everyone as the camera goes from place to place  
  
Everyone is screaming  
  
We see a man in his hotel room peer out to see a background dancer on the ground outside his house, tap dancing.  
  
He takes out his gun and 'practices'.  
  
Everyone keeps dancing and singing  
  
(All): BEDPAAAAAAAAAN!  
  
Dramatic music plays as Christian screams and cries in his garret.  
  
Choppy violin music plays and ends.  
  
Satine stands and bolts for Christian's garret while the duke is still out cold, crying.  
  
A/N: That's all that my legally drunk self can take for now, ROFLMAO. No reviews, no adding! Thanks guys! 


	14. And I Guess That It Will Be the End of T...

A/N: I wasn't going to write a new chapter for a long, long, long time. But then I read all the reviews and I felt like I was letting you all down. :(  
  
Hindi Sad Diamonds: Darling? Well okay if you want to call it darling that's fine with me. *wink*  
  
DJRocky99: Hero? Me? You need a new hero, lady. *snort*  
  
Jester_Fraser: Hehehehe is all I can say.  
  
Crystal-Saffron: Thank you so much!  
  
Rosemary_Flowingwater: go women! Dismantle the oppressive establishment! *dance* Lizzie, faithful non-registered user: thank you. Now go register. Teehee.  
  
Now that I've procrastinated even more by doing dedications, I'll have a go at some more. Here comes what I do when its 40 (words unsuitable for this window) degrees outside. : )  
  
(TwystedFate): When we last left our *pulls piece of paper out of pocket and reads it slowly* wonderful, superb, dashing, gallant, marvelous, cherubic Christian, who just happens to have a terribly sexy singing voice *puts down paper* CHRISTIAN!  
  
Christian walks around the corner, smiling nervously  
  
(Christian): Yes?  
  
(TwystedFate): You told me that this was about donating to a charity, not you!  
  
(Christian): I am a charity in my own time. Donate to me for the good of man.  
  
(TwystedFate): When we last left this dipwad *gestures rudely over shoulder* he was in his garret waiting for Satine, who has just kicked the Duke's arse and is running for her lover.  
  
We see Satine, running down the street, crying. She stares up at the camera  
  
(Satine): I just kicked the Duke's arse *dramatic crying sniffle* and I am running for my love OOOOOOO!  
  
Satine trips over one of her stilettos and falls flat on her face. She sighs, stands, sobs, and saunters s'more. (A/N: Look at all the S's! haha!) She bursts into Christian's garret. Christian is standing in front of his mirror, grunting erotically for no particular reason. Satine wipes the gravel out of her face and hair and walks up to him, calm. He turns, and she melts down right into his arms.  
  
(Satine): Christian! Love .. money .. Jesus .. sex .. abstinence .. goats!  
  
(Christian): I understand completely! Go to your room and get your things and come back here and we'll escape on a boat and go on a three hour tour! The skipper's very kindly. He's fat and everything.  
  
(Satine): *blurble*  
  
(Christian): Chocolat, take her to her room and get her things.  
  
Chocolat grabs Satine by the wrist and takes her to her dressing room.  
  
Zidler is hiding behind a curtain in it. He jumps out, camoflauge things stuck to his head.  
  
(Zidler): Boo!  
  
(Satine): Good grief! *dramatically staggers over to her dressing table, regains walking ability right after that and stares at him*  
  
(Zidler): The duke's going to kill Christian and you're dying and its going to be too late because Sugarbottom taboo'd the whole thing on the first day do you have any last requests?  
  
(Satine): *shriek*  
  
Satine faints.  
  
Zidler sighs.  
  
(TwystedFate): Zidler had to let Satine wake up. So he set up a chess table above her body in the hopes that when she woke up she'd knock her head into it and therefore some sense. With nothing better to do, he plays Chocolat.  
  
(Chocolat): I don't see a move!  
  
(Zidler): You must play the pawn!  
  
(Chocolat): What?  
  
(Zidler): You must play the pawn! You must play the pawwwwnnnnnn!  
  
(TwystedFate): I feel another song and dance routine coming on. *blush*  
  
A/N: I'd do the song, but I have a school bus to catch. Enough reviews and I write more, haha. 


	15. Because I Just Decided to Become Immorta...

A/N: Truth be told, last time I just couldn't think of how to parody that darned song, haha. But here's what I consider my "best shot". :S  
  
(TwystedFate): When we last left off, Zidler was yelling at Chocolat over a game of chess.  
  
(Chocolat): I can't find a move! I really can't! And Zidler won't stop SINGING!  
  
Zidler stands on the couch which is just to the side of the chess table, clears this throat, and begins to sing long some opera guy.  
  
(Zidler): Another player!  
  
Another mindless move.  
  
Behind the median!  
  
In the moves, so fine!  
  
On and on,  
  
Does anybody know what we are playing for?  
  
That man from that TV show "the Price is Right" comes in, waving his cane and screaming  
  
(Price is Right man): We are playing for faaaaabulous prizes, including this new toaster!  
  
(Chocolat): Toaster?  
  
Chocolat stands to go examine the toaster  
  
Zidler shoves him back down into his chair and waves Price is Right man out of the room.  
  
(Zidler): However I move,  
  
I leave them all to chance.  
  
Another piece break,  
  
Another soiled pair of pants.  
  
On and on,  
  
Does anybody know what we are playing for?  
  
On the other side of the door, we see Price is Right man standing leaning against it  
  
(Price is Right man): A TOASTER!!!!!!  
  
Zidler throws open the door in an attempt to look suave, sending Price is Right man flying across the room  
  
(Zidler): YOU MUST MOVE YOUR PAWN!  
  
YOU MUST MOVE YOUR PAAAAAWWWWNNNN!  
  
Outside the sky is falling on the board  
  
That holds our final WINNING MOVE!  
  
You MUST MOVE YOUR PAWN!  
  
YOU MUST MOVE YOUR PAAAAAAWNNNNNN!  
  
Satine wakes up, and sees that she's under a table, Zidler is dancing around like a complete loon, and the Price is Right man is being random. She decides to sing.  
  
(Satine): Inside my heart is chafing.  
  
My makeup, may be baking.  
  
But my smirk,  
  
Still WILL LASTTTTTTT.  
  
Zidler re-enters.  
  
(Zidler): YOU MOST MOVE YOUR PAWNNNN!  
  
YOU MUST MOVE YOUR PAWWWWWNNNNN!  
  
Satine sits up, bangs her head and cusses. She ducks out and stands next to Zidler.  
  
(Satine): I'LL WORK THE MILL!  
  
I'LL EAT A DILL!  
  
I HAVE TO FIND THE WILL TO CARRY  
  
ON WITH THE  
  
ON WITH THE  
  
ON WITH THE GAME!  
  
Zidler sits down again  
  
(Zidler): ON WITH THE GAME!  
  
ON WITH THE GAME!  
  
YOU MUST, MOVE YOUR PAWNNNNNNN!  
  
Chocolat stares at the two singing idiots  
  
(Chocolat): You scare me. I forfeit.  
  
Chocolat runs away, and Zidler cheers.  
  
(Zidler): I WIN!  
  
(TwystedFate): And with that, Zidler won another round.  
  
A/N: I want to eat my lunch now, I stop for now. :S 


	16. Just Now, On a Completely Random Whim

My dear, dear readers. I am so sorry I haven't updated in a long time. I've been so busy, and you all prolly hate me for it, lol. I've been very busy .. yes .. and the characters have been demanding a pay raise. :( Anyway .. sorry I've let you all down by not providing you with things, lol. My muse is still here, but she's taunting me. I'm writing a parody of Moulin Rouge and Big Brother that I'll post up soon .. thanks for putting up with me! *waves and walks off to write more* 


	17. Seeing As I Am A Magical Child From The ...

A/N: Its been so long! I'm so sorry! You all probably hate me now. :( But I will never, ever let this story die, I promise. *boy scout gesture* I've been so busy.finals at school, all that stuff. But I only have one or two chapters left after this one, so I shall let it live on. When we last left this .. cast? Are they considered a cast? They don't deserve the title cast if you ask me. Why, just today, Satine tripped me as I was going to the break room, and I landed face first in my coffee mug. Then Christian and Toulouse laughed at me. :'( They all hate me. :'( Anyway.. when we last left 'em, Satine was going off to Christian to lie boldly to his face, and Christian, aka Mr. Gullible, was going to believe her, as always.  
  
Satine stumbles into Christian's flat  
  
Christian sits on his bed, dragging on a cigarette  
  
(Satine): Christian! Oh, I..didn't know you smoked. You smoke?  
  
(Christian): No. I don't. Ewan does.  
  
(Satine): You are Ewan you dolt.  
  
(Christian): No. I'm Christian James, the loveable, penniless writer with no friends or life.  
  
(Satine): Where did you get that last name? How utterly stupid! You don't have a last name! Haven't you seen the fangirls scream at you? "What's your last name?" and you always said "I don't have one!" .. you cannot produce one.  
  
(Christian): I do believe I just did. Now, what were you stalking in here for?  
  
(Satine): Oh. Yes. *clears throat* ChristianIcan'tloveyouanymorethedukeofferedmeeverythingIcouldeverhavewanted. Goodbye.  
  
Satine Turns  
  
(Christian): Wait..WHAT?  
  
Satine turns back around to face Christian  
  
(Satine): I. Can't. Love. You. Anymore. Somethingsomethingsomething Duke somethingsomething. Goodbye.  
  
(Christian): But last night! You said we were gonna go on a three hour tour! With a kindly, fat old skipper!  
  
(Satine): There is no skipper, Christian. I figured I'd take advantage of you. You're cute, puffy and look a lot like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Plus, I was bored that one day when I decided to make love to you.  
  
(Christian): Really, we never made love. You just kinda pulled me fully clothed on top of you, and didn't get any further than unbuttoning my fly before the audience started going 'oooooooooooooooo' and you threw that hand grenade at them..  
  
(Satine): Whatever. I am the illegal importer..ress whore..thing, and I choose that guy who's not you.  
  
(Christian): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
..*two hours later*..  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOO  
  
Satine pokes her watch  
  
(Satine): I must be going, Christian. I have a flight to Tahiti leaving in twenty minutes.  
  
(Christian): What's a flight?  
  
(Satine): That's not the point.  
  
(Christian): This can't be!  
  
(Satine): But it is.  
  
Satine struts out, tripping over her skirt  
  
(Satine): *from down the hall, echoing* SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!  
  
(Christian): I'm going to run randomly outside the Moulin Rouge, and stare forlornly at the front gate, which is about two blocks away from the actual building, and scream 'satine!' until they get pissed and put me in jail!  
  
(Rabid Fangirls): Hurrah!  
  
Christian runs randomly outside the Moulin Rouge and stares forlornly at the front gate  
  
(Christian): SATINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
  
..*fifteen minutes later*..  
  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
  
(Two Burly, Random Men): Do you ever shut up?  
  
(Christian): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOO..  
  
The two burly, random men knock him out  
  
Christian wakes up laying in his bed, Toulouse staring at him  
  
(Christian): What. The. Hell?  
  
(Toulouse): She really does love you.  
  
(Christian): But..I'm an Aquarius and she's an Aries. It would never work.  
  
(Toulouse): See here in my great big book of astrology?  
  
(Christian): Yes.  
  
(Toulouse): It could happen.  
  
(Christian): I don't believe you.  
  
(Toulouse): I may be a man on my knees, with a badly faked moustache and a very bad put on accent, but I know what love is. She loves you.  
  
(Christian): Go away.  
  
(Toulouse): Make me.  
  
(Christian): GO AWAY.  
  
(Toulouse): Over my dead body.  
  
(Christian): GO AWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYY!  
  
Toulouse runs away  
  
Christian huffs  
  
(Christian): I wanted to forget all about what that man on his knees that gave me nightmares had said..but I knew deep down that he was right. I had to find out. I knew she loved me, and I had to make sure she knew it..before she left for Tahiti.  
  
A/N: I know you missed me, didn't you? Guess what? No reviews, no updates! Yay! Its my little sister's 5th birthday on January 14th. Give her a shout out, LOL 


	18. ITS UPDATED! :O

A/N: I know, I know, its been forever, and you probably hate me. I'm sorry. *weeps* During this time I turned 15 .. and I feel no more mature than I was before. I'm sorry I haven't updated .. but hopefully you all have this on notify or something .. but I noticed all the parodies were coming back, and I knew how many of you I was letting down by not finished it, so I stopped doing my algebra homework (anyone who can teach me to factor trinomials, by the way, email me, its in my userinfo. *_*) and started doing this again. MISSED YOU ALLLLLL!11  
  
(TwystedFate): Last time we saw our characters, Satine was stopping by the Moulin Rouge on her way to Tahiti, and Christian was going to sneak into the Moulin Rouge because he's a complete and total idiot. Let's take a look ..  
  
We see a bunch of people running around dressed as cell phones onstage of the Moulin Rouge, Toulouse leading them.  
  
(Toulouse): I like my calling plan! I like my calling plan! I like my calling plan! I LIKE MY CALLING PLAN!  
  
(Cell phone dancers): Free long distance! Free long distance! Free long distance, its freeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Free long distance! Free long distance! Free long distance, its freeeeeeeeeeeeee! AT&T wireless! Carrot Top, Carrot Top, oh Carrot Top, I want to have your lovechild! Free long distance! Free long distance! Free long distance, its freeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Satine comes up through the floor.  
  
(Satine): FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
She steps over to the cell phone dancers  
  
(Satine): Call. Plan. Cell phoning man. Call. Plan. Cell phoning man. Men. Call. Girls. Bawl. And we all pay the bills in the end! Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Cell phones are a girl'ssssssss bestttttttttt frienddddddd.  
  
(Zidler): It is mine.  
  
(Duke): It is mine.  
  
We see Toulouse backstage, dressed as the pair of fuzzy dice, waddling about nervously.  
  
(Toulouse): There has GOT to be a reason why she switched to AT&T .. she and Christian had ALWAYS used Virgin ..  
  
The Argentinean stumbles up to Toulouse.  
  
(Argentinean): Its Christian! They broke up!  
  
(Toulouse): Nooooooooooooooooooo! I had a bet on their relationship! Now I loose the house!  
  
(Argentinean): You never HAD a house.  
  
(Toulouse): I KNOW! Isn't it SAD?  
  
The Argentinean bangs his head on the wall.  
  
Marie sits backstage with Satine, waving a cell phone in her face.  
  
(Marie): PLEASE call an AT&T number? Come on .. dial .. there you go ..  
  
Satine stops calling the AT&T number halfway.  
  
(Satine): I can't.  
  
Marie screams.  
  
Warner turns to Zidler onstage.  
  
(Warner): I shall kill Christian now. I have stock in Virgin, and he wants to switch calling plans back to AT&T.  
  
(Zidler): How can this be? I told him to stick with it for AT LEAST a week ..  
  
Toulouse overhears them  
  
(Toulouse): I must get them to switch calling plans! Quickly!  
  
Toulouse runs off as everyone begins to prepare for the closing number.  
  
A/N: Sorry this was so short .. I'm just horrifically busy. Here's a deal: I get 15 reviews, I update more ASAP. :p Have a good one all! 


	19. IT'S UPDATED AGAIN! :O

A/N: I've been so busy working on my fictionpress account I completely forgot to give you all the parody you so wonderfully deserve, and I am sorry! weeps But, yes, its summer. However, I just got back from having major surgery (I had a bunion-ectomy. Yes, I'm only 15. Kids can have them too!) and so I have a lot of time to sit around and mope. So, I guess its as good a time as ever to finish this baby up, neh? So, so sorry guys. Really, I am. sob again Will you forgive me? Please ... say you will! :O ...Anyway...  
  
(TwystedFate): So. Now Toulouse knows the truth about Satine and Christian, and he feels he must warn Christian before he faces certain death backstage at the hand of Warner, aka. Mr. Clean-looking-man. clears throat  
  
Christian bustles down the hall, panting, tripping over his own feet as he bursts into Satine's dressing room, where she sits in a swivel chair, petting a bald cat, her back to Christian.  
  
(Christian): SATINE!!!!!!!!  
  
Satine swivels the chair around, and strokes the cat even harder.  
  
(Satine): Christian James. We meet again. But, I fear for your life. Yes? Yes.  
  
Satine bites her thumb and tries to look important and suave. It's failing quite badly.  
  
(Christian): I've come to pay my b... snickersnicker Hahahahaha you look so gay hahaha ...  
  
Christian starts twitching  
  
(Satine): Just leave, for the love of God. You stay here, Tinkly!  
  
Satine puts down the cat, pats it on the head, and sashays off.  
  
Christian sighs  
  
(Christina): Damn her...  
  
(Christian): CHRISTINA? Who the hell is CHRISTINA?  
  
(TwystedFate): The typo that every single Moulin Rouge fanfiction author makes all the time when they're tired as hell. And I think she's your alter ego, too. And, oh, that Tinkly cat is living up to its name all over your shoe.  
  
(Christian): GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.  
  
Christian turns and runs after Satine, filled with a renewed vigor. He grabs her arm, and she wheels, her face tear-stained and her eyes rimmed in red. She looks up at the camera.  
  
(Satine): Do you feel worn down? Upset? Tired? Then get a Red Bull energy drink. Even the wing-ed seraphs in heaven enjoy this delici-  
  
(Christian): ...save it, sister.  
  
(Satine): Okay. What's your problem?  
  
(Christian): clears throat You made me believe that you LOVEDDDD MEEEEE. Why can't I PAYYYYY YOUUUUUU?  
  
(Satine): Well, no one else heard that one.  
  
(Christian, beaming): I know!  
  
Marie bustles over to them ... damn, they've been doing a lot of bustling, eh?  
  
(Marie): She needs to go onstage! Leggo!  
  
(Satine): My Eggo! The waffle breakfast every person loves to eat! Filled with nutrients and-  
  
(Marie): If we've told you once, we've told you a thousand times...NO MORE COMMERCIAL READINGS!  
  
(Satine): Awwwwww...  
  
(Christian): Why not? She does it so very well...  
  
(Satine): Leave my fetish for television commercials alone, you bastard!  
  
Satine goes up the steps to her entrance, Christian close behind  
  
(Christian): Why can't I pay you like EVERYONE ELSE DOES?  
  
(Satine): Inside voices, Christian.  
  
(Christian): Yes'm.  
  
Warner and the gun come around the corner, Satine sees and screams.  
  
(Satine): DO YOU LIKE PLEASURE? YES? YES? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS?  
  
(Christian): ...yes?  
  
(Satine): THEN BUY BRAWNY PAPER TOWELS! BUY THEM! NOW! GO BUY THEM NOW!  
  
Satine shoves Christian in the direction of the exit  
  
(Christian): I ain't getting yo' paper towels, bi0tch!  
  
(Zidler, onstage): Open the doors!  
  
The doors open. Christian is knelt at Satine's feet, clutching a coupon for paper towels in his fist.  
  
(Christian): Fo shizzle mah nizzle, I say I ain't gettin' yo' paper towels, bi0tch!  
  
The audience gasps. 'What will happen next' they wonder?  
  
(TwystedFate): I don't know either. Come back later. pales and runs off  
  
A/N: That was...odd. But I hope you liked it. I aim to please. Let's go...10 reviews and a new chapter. :D 


	20. Update

A/N: OMGWTF UPDATE! I've gone _so _long without updating, and I feel _so _bad. So, here's some more! (sophomore year in high school can truly be a bitch. Apologies.) I didn't abandon, and I _will _finish. I swear.

(Satine): I don't care! You're getting my paper towels!

(Christian): Fine! Where are they?

(Satine): pushes Christian onstage

(Christian): falls onstage

(Zidler, from onstage): WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

(Audience): Hahahaha.

(Duke, from audience): WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!

(Christian): I'M JUST GETTING PAPER TOWELS FOR MY HO, BIZNATCH!

(Audience): Hahahaha!

(Christian): Y0!

(Satine, running onstage): Christian, it really isn't working. There are no paper towels. I'm not evil, and this isn't really my hair.

Satine pulls off her wig to reveal black dreadlocks.

Audience gasps.

(Duke, triumphantly to himself): I KNEW IT!

(Christian): Oh good, I have a fetish for Jamaican men!

(Satine): MEN?

(Christian): You mean you're a GIRL?

(Satine): stare

(Christian): Shit.

(Mr. Clean): shoots Christian in the arm

(Christian): I'm fed up wit' this shit. Imma outta here, y0.

Christian leaves.

(Satine, thinking fast): Come Bob's pay!

Christian keep walking, dramatically lowering his coat to the ground as he does so.

(Satine, annoyed now): COME. BOB'S. PAY.

Christian's jacket mysteriously disappears as he turns, not bothered at all by the fact he's been shot in the arm, to sing to Satine.

(Christian): Come Bob's pay?

Satine nods tearfully.

Christian runs up the aisle, screaming.

(Christian): COME BOB'S PAY! COME BOB'S PAY!

He runs into Zidler.

(Zidler): LOLZ!

(Christian): backs away and runs to Satine

(Christian/Satine): snuggle

(Duke): WTFFFFFFFFFFFF.

(Random chorus guy): beats Mr. Clean over the head with a guitar

(Audience): HAHAHAHAHAHA!

(Christian): macks Satine

(Satine): enjoys it

(Christian, breaking away): I love you.

(Satine): I love you more.

(Christian): Nuh-uh! I love you more!

(Satine): No, me!

(Christian): Me!

(Satine): Me!

(Zidler): Love each other EQUALLY!

Satine and Christian nod, as the audience laughs heartily.

The duke picks up the gun and begins to run up the aisle, screaming, "SHE'S A BOY! A BOY!"

And then ..

.. you'll see next chapter. ;)

A/N: I love you guys. Really.


	21. Where Can You See Lions? Only In Kenya!

A/N: I don't want this story to end, which it would have to, after this chapter. So, I thought to myself at some point along/about/around/after/against/by/beneath/below/down/during et. al. prepositions my sixteenth birthday, why don't I just _prolong it_? So I think I will! Just for you, because I love you all, and because I have had _100 reviews_! ONE HUNDRED! And this story's almost two years old! Ehehe. throws confetti and tap dances like a crazy person Who wants to make my babies?

… tumbleweed rolls by …

Alright then. Anyway, I decided to do a segment I like to call "A Day In The Life Of". I shall bring up characters, and let them show you where they live, where they shop, what they like to eat, etc. After all, you've always wondered where the 21st Century Sugarbottom wear boxers or briefs, right?

… another tumbleweed rolls by and joins the previous one …

Maybe you just like to read my random crap? You _do _like to read my random crap, right? Otherwise, you wouldn't be here, would you?

… the tumbleweeds roll back from whence they came, with lots of little tumbleweeds babies in their wake …

Right. So. I shall start off with Christian. Hooray! Right? Everyone loves Christian, right? Right?

… old tumbleweed, cum walker, toddles precariously by …

Oh, screw it. On with the show.

Patricia

(TwystedFate): So, here we are outside Christian's house at 7.30 in the morning. You love it, right? Right. So, allow me to go inside and show you the true beauty of Christian! Ooh, look, here he is watering his roses!

Christian waters his roses in his rose garden, a totally stoned look on his face.

(TwystedFate): What are you doing, Christian?

A frown creases Christian's brow.

(Christian): I'm…watering…rose…pretty…rose…you see…rose?

Christian brandishes a rose.

(TwystedFate): Yes! A rose! Let's watch!

Christian waters the roses.

The roses, watered, are by Christian.

Roses were watered by Christian.

For five goddamn hours.

(TwystedFate): Gosh, Christian, you sure like to keep those roses…fresh, huh?

(Christian): LOOKIT ROSE!

Christian pulls a rose out of the ground and throws it at a dog in the corner of the yard.

(TwystedFate): Is that your dog, Christian?

(Christian): Me not have dog. Me have kitty. BIIIIG kitty.

A tiger comes from the house, as if to announce its own existence. It purrs and rubs up on Christian. The dog runs away.

(Christian, satisfactorily): Fluffy.

Christian hooked his arm over the ruff of the tiger's neck, and began to sing camp songs.

(Christian): She sat on the hillside and played her guitarrrrrr, played her guitarrrrrr, played her guitarrrrrr! She sat on the hillside and played her guitarrrrrrr! Played! Her! Guitar-ar-ar-ar!

(Tiger): Oom-pluck-pluck, oom-pluck-pluck, oom-pluck-pluck-pluck.

(Christian): HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER, BUT _OH_, HOW HE LIED! _OH HOW HE LIED! OH HOW HE LIED!_ HE TOLD HER HE LOVED HER BUT OH HOW HE LIED! OH! HOW! HE LI-I-IED!

(Tiger): Oom-pluck-pluck, oom-pluck-pluck, oom-pluck-pluck-pluck.

(TwystedFate): This is great, but…err…do you do anything else?

(Christian): Sure! Fluffy _loves_ the shark song! makes his hands into fish jaws DAAAAAAAADYYYYY SHARK! DO DO DO DO DO DO! DADDY SHARK DO DO, DO DO DO DO! DADDY SHARK DO DO DO DO DO DO, DADDY SHARK! slightly reduces size of fish jaws MAAAAMAAA SHARK, DO DO DO DO DO DO! MAMA SHARK! DO DO DO DO DO DO!

(TwystedFate): slightly annoyed, yet transfixed by the 385938593893 verse song that is Shark Attack Can we talk about things?

(Christian): Such as?

(TwystedFate): Well, what do you like?

Christian takes a deep breath.

(Christian): Raindrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles, and warm woolen mittens. Silver white winters, that melt into springs. These are a few of my favorite things!

The tiger nods in agreement.

(Christian): Snowflakes on ponies and crisp apple strudel…hmmm…doorbells, sleigh bells, schnitzel with noodles…wild geese, that fly, with the moon on their wing. _These _are a few of my favorite things!

The tiger begins to undulate from side to side.

(Christian): Did you know that my name isn't Christian?

(TwystedFate, deadpan with disappointment): It isn't?

(Christian, smug): Nope! It's Zechariah Isabella Shanaynay Akalakadingdong Woo Woo Choo Choo Train, Tootsie Roll Mambo Pixie Dust. But you can call me Heterosexual. :)

(TwystedFate): You look awfully gay to me.

(Christian): Nah, I'm not gay. I'm happy, and pleasantly plump, but never gay. Would you like a Popsicle?

Christian gets up and enters the house through the back door and into the kitchen, TwystedFate at his heels. Christian's kitchen is covered with statues of pigs, and Christian pries open his freezer and hands TwystedFate a Popsicle as he rocks back and forth on his heels.

(Christian): Pumpernickel.

(TwystedFate): Doorbell.

(Christian): Ashtray?

(TwystedFate, regrettably): Shoe.

(Christian, complacent): _Trash. Compactor._

(TwystedFate): Nutmeg!

(Christian, triumphant): Stapler.

TwystedFate smacked her forehead, and stared at Christian, who stood up, prepared for a new dance sequence.

(Christian): Every move you make! Every vow you break! Every smile you fake, every claim you stake, I'll be watching you!

TwystedFate backs away slowly. Christian leaps toward her, flailing his jazz hands and singing.

(Christian): Every breath you take! Every move you make! Every bond you break, every step you take, I'll be watching you!

TwystedFate slams open the door and runs away, hopping the fence. Christian hangs out the window, singing loudly to his fencepost.

(Christian): _SINCE YOU'VE GONE I'VE BEEN LOST WITHOUT A TRACE! I DREAM AT NIGHT, I CAN ONLY SEE YOU FACE! I LOOK AROUND, BUT IT'S YOU I CAN'T REPLACE, I FEEL SO COLD AND I LONG FO-_

The tiger undulates through the door, and flattens Christian under him. Christian faints.

Be kind, review and rewind.


End file.
